Hi, it’s been a long time. Lots of emotion, lots of things happening, a lot of dramatics happening inside this ol’ skull of mine. Every day is a fight with myself; a constant battle between emotion and logic.
Do I do what I know is right, what I know is the best thing long-term, what I know I’ll eventually have to do, OR what I have wanted for months and months, what I pined for in the most painful way day after day, what is hurting me, consuming me, possessing me, but is fun and hopeful (but not really)?
I’m sure you can devise this is about a boy. Crazy how people can gain so much influence in your life. I can’t even escape this guy in my dreams… I dream about him… which is a stupidly embarrassing thing to admit, but I know any, and everyone knows what I’m talking about, so I have no problem being the one to say it.
I’m on spring break right now (woohoo!) but I’ve just been working, studying (not that much, although, I should), sleeping, partying, and thinking about him. Well, not just him, but I always seem to wander back to him somehow. Not just him, of course, also about me in context of him. My dear friend at work (who happens to be a few short decades older than me) was telling me about her situation with her husband and how they are separating. She asked about my situation with boys, and I told her about it. She said the scariest thing I’ve every heard in my entire life: “Yeah, that sounds just like how me and *husband’s name* started out. That makes me sad for you because you’re like me. You always go for the guys who have commitment or attachment issues, so the more you cling to them and love them, the less loved you are and the more they push away.” How f*cking scary is that? I mean, knowing where they are now.
When she said this to me, I thought to myself, “Do I want this from my life? Always chasing something that will always run?” I don’t. So for the last couple of days, I haven’t thought about him any less, just in a different way. I’ve been thinking about what I do want rather than what I don’t (I learned that’s a deep rabbit hole that I will never be able to dig myself out of if I go down).
Most of all, I want to live. I want to experience life. I want to explore, travel, listen to much music, read books, watch many films, meet and talk to new people. I don’t want my life to be totally uninteresting. Making a mark on the world is difficult and often not attainable, but you can make a mark on the people around you, as corny as that is. I just want to look back on my life when I’m old and have nothing left to do but to think on my own experiences, and to have no regrets; nothing I didn’t do, nothing I didn’t try, no one I didn’t give a chance, nothing I didn’t learn. Realistically, impossible, but really, I think that’s just happiness. I want to be happy, to have my life full of love and joy. I want to be rich in laughter and smiles, experiences and travels, accomplishments and milestones. I want to be fulfilled.
Reflecting on what I want from my life has made me look at this situationship in a different light; not one that hasn’t been present, but one I’d been blocking because I wasn’t ready to feel the full shine of it. I’m still not, and I won’t be able to act on it for a little while, but the time will come. I would like to believe that the right people find you eventually. But how are they supposed to find you if you’re busy trying to fit yourself where you don’t belong, knocking on a door that bolted shut?
They won’t.
It’s that simple. I’m not on this planet to be somebody’s wife, or to find “the one”. I’m on the planet to get the most out of my life that I can, and build a life that makes me happy; then, that “right person” gets to share that. Isn’t that wild? I came up with that one on the train back from the city today. I’m not here to make someone else happy and to fulfill their life, I’m here to do that for myself, and when and if someone comes along who can share that with me, then, and only then, does it become a partnership. It’s kind of a lonely but comforting way to look at it I think. I mean, everyone wants love, but if you go grocery shopping when you’re hungry, you’re going to pick all the wrong things.
Will I fall in love? Probably. Is it going to work out right away? Probably not. Will I have to make hard decisions to protect my peace? Yeah. Does it get easier? No. But you get harder to break. I think, although it feels like the roughest path, it’s the one I’m going to have to take many, many times. I’m someone who falls in love quickly and deeply, I think there’s something to love in everyone, as we’ve already discussed in one of my earlier posts. I think everyone deserves to be loved and to know that they are, maybe your love saves another person in a way you couldn’t fathom. You never really know. And it sucks, especially when it’s unrequited, but I don’t think it’s a bad trait to have.
So I’m on my journey of becoming harder to break. Boy, oh, boy, does it feel like I’m gonna snap at any moment. I know I won’t though, I never do. It all comes back, all things must pass.
Peace and love,
Maddie
March 16, 2025