I’ve never really been one to roll with the punches, it’s something I’m working on. If she were sitting here with me right now, my best friend would tell you how much I hate it when we make “loose plans” or she tells me we’re “playing it by ear”, or to “roll with the punches”. And she’d be right, I really do hate it. I need to have a plan, at least an outline and two backups in case anything goes wrong. “Playing it by ear” doesn’t allow for the kind of preparation and planning needed to allow me comfort.

My whole life, I’ve always felt a need for a certain level of control, which isn’t abnormal, it’s just very intense for me. Recently, I’ve been confronted with changes, no choice but to roll with the punches, feelings that I have no control over, new situations, new audiences. It’s not people I’ve known my whole life anymore, I’m surrounded by people who don’t know me well, people who don’t know how bad I’ve been at change.

And I’m trying to get better.

College is supposedly the place for learning those skills: how to roll with the punches, how to play it by ear, how to operate on “loose plans”. It’s been hard never knowing where my day is going to go, but it’s also the most exciting part. I have no idea how much fun I’m going to have on a Tuesday just being spontaneous and going any way the wind blows (Bohemian Rhapsody reference but not about a murder).

Alright, it’s not quite so magical, sometimes it actually makes me really upset. We’re all questioning our comfort levels with the people we’ve become friends with, but none of us feel comfortable saying “No, I’m not doing that” or “I think we should make a plan”. I’m not innocent of this willy-nilliness at all, I’ve just been chugging along, doing whatever. It’s resulted in some bad decisions, maybe things that I wouldn’t have done if I were faced with the same situation at home, or if I were a different age.

But I don’t regret a lot of things, and I think that’s the important part. I actually can’t conjure up a single action I regret since I got here.

David Bowie said “And these children that you spit on/ as they change their worlds/ are immune to your consultations/ they’re quite aware of what they’re going through” in his song Changes. Bowie, he knew. Of course, he knew, he was a f***ing genius.

As the children that have been spit on and will continue to get spit on, we are all aware that we’re going through ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, and even past childhood we will be. I’m just starting not to hate it as much.

Peace and love,

Maddie