People will always tell you that bigger and better things are coming when something bad happens. It always seems like a good thing to say when you’re on the giving end, because what the hell else are you supposed to say? But anyone who has ever been on the receiving end knows that is the last thing you want to hear when you’re in pretty much any situation. You don’t want to hear about how good things are going to be, all you can think about is how not good things are now.

Literally, like, an hour ago, I put myself out there knowing that the result wouldn’t go my way. It’s hard to do that, and people who have no problem putting themselves out there, being vulnerable, trusting yourself to be strong no matter what the outcome is… you all deserve so much more credit than you get. But now, thinking about it, I don’t know if those people really exist. I mean who has no problem doing that? It’s easier said than done. I damn near almost broke down and cried right there when I had to do it.

This being so fresh, I have so much to say, but not anything that’s been filtered enough to write. It hurts really bad right now, I couldn’t even just sit there and tough it out like I normally do. Nothing has ever been this intense before and I have no idea how to deal with it. I sat there for a half hour, just receiving what was said. The more that I thought about it, the more I struggled to keep it together. So, I did what I do best: I ran. I packed up all of my things, everything that I had that lived in that room, everything that once belonged to me, and I took it back. The one thing I left without was the dignity that I walked in there with.

I’ve been listening to Thunderbird by Quiet Riot ever since then. When I put in my AirPods to walk home it was already playing, I guess I was listening to it earlier and I didn’t notice. The verse that played as soon as the music started was

When all is said
and all is done
Still, I live
and carry on
Don't look back
But think of me
We'll meet again
Fly away (oh)

the chorus of the song is simple, but still powerful,

Fly on,
Thunderbird fly
Fly on,
spread your wings to the sky
Fly on,
Thunderbird fly

So, instead of running, I’m going to say that I flew away. There are so many things to be said, so many things I wish I’d done differently but still don’t necessarily regret, so many things that I wish would be one way rather than another. But it’s all just wishful thinking, and now I know that for sure. It still hurts when your dreams get crushed, but things hurt when they heal too, like a tattoo. Mine says “All Things Must Pass”, I gotta start paying more attention to that. I mean, it’s there forever.

Peace and (a little too much) love,

Maddie