Hello! Long time, no talk!

I know it’s been a while, I apologize for that. Every part of my life has been developing, changing, and overflowing. Many things have changed… I wouldn’t say I’m a different person now, but there are a great number of experiences that allow me to see things in a different light. My last post was last edited on Halloween; since then the presidential election has elapsed, I have started, paused, and ended relationships, I have developed different feelings towards people, I turned 19, seen concerts, been visited, failed a midterm, completed a really challenging project, and more.

I think it all started with the election. I couldn’t understand why America would vote for such a person again. We saw, we experienced, we feared, and we voted for it again! There were plenty of Gallup polls, news articles, and theories all over the internet for people like me, void of all drive and purpose due to this loss, who were looking for meaning, a reason why. Then in the following week, I was faced with the challenge of writing a research paper about how the public views abortion and why. I found myself searching for a meaning, unable to really find a definitive answer. Next, I had a little blip in my relationship with one of my friends; I wondered why again. Why do we suddenly not see eye-to-eye? What changed? Could it have been avoided? Why now? Then, my birthday rolled around. It was only my second birthday without my mommy (the last one being when I turned ten), and I found myself looking for meaning again. Meaning of what? I don’t know. Why I was crying on my birthday, why I felt more alone on that day than any other since I got here, why my birthday suddenly didn’t feel so magical and celebratory, but more of a step closer to impending death. 19… I know, too early to be having those kinds of thoughts. All my life I’ve been told that I act so grown, so mature for my age. In the words of Mitski, “I was so young when I behaved 25”. Trueeeee. Now, I’m surrounded by all the same kinds of people, all young adults, all on our own for the first time ever. It’s comforting and uneasy at the same time.

Being alone, I’ve come to realize, is much different than feeling lonely. Being alone can feel lonely, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. I feel like this is something everyone knows but doesn’t really understand until they’re living it. I thought my first birthday away from home was going to feel lonely, like I had somehow turned my back on the world, or it had turned its back on me. It’s hard being away from the only environment you’ve ever known! Being away from your mom, your dad, your siblings, and the house that you grew up in. Being alone at home never bothered me because I had created memories to keep me company; but here, where everything is new and I don’t know anything at all, I thought it would be easy to fall into loneliness.

Fortunately enough for me, I’m one of the lucky ones, and the Universe, the great and unknown power that it is, forked over a new family for me. In no way does it replace the nuclear family that I am a part of, but it’s a different kind of family. I’m at the point in my life where your friends are your family; they’re there for you when you’re having a bad day, they celebrate with you when you’re having a good one, they’re your shoulder to step and cry on, and you are theirs. I spent the day with this family that I created in my new home, and suddenly the thought of loneliness couldn’t ever reach me. Yes, I was and am alone, but not the kind of alone that cripples you to the point where all you can do is wallow in your misery; I was alone in the way that every person on Earth is alone. They say humans are solitary creatures, and in a way that’s true. But how could they be lonely creatures when every palm is perfectly shaped to hold a face, every shoulder is built to hold the weight of a heavy head, and every heart is created to love and care? Humans can’t possibly be lonely creatures, though we are solitary.

That being said, not every hand can hold every face, not every shoulder can hold every head, and your heart is not created to be given away. I’ve been learning that your heart is meant to keep you alive, it doesn’t exist for any other reason. So, although the heart is created to love and care, it is also fragile and can only give so much before it is left with nothing. I’ve learned a lot about taking recently, and I think it’s unfair how we use “give” and “take” as the verbs for this scenario. We use it as if you can only be a victim or a villain when it comes to loving and caring, which is not the case. Taking what you deserve versus giving what you think someone deserves are interesting dynamics, no? And all of that is what relationships are built on, and that only. Without getting into too much detail, I’ve learned in a hard, cheesy, lovesick way that you can’t expect someone to give you more than you would give yourself, if that makes any sense. You have to treat yourself the way that you want to be treated, otherwise no one else will. Self-love is the most important kind, I think, because you have to learn it. As I said, the heart is created to love and to care, not to accept loving and caring. It’s easy to get caught up in how much you love someone, how their smile makes the room stand still, how when your eyes catch on each other’s you can see the end of every night and the start of every day, and how when they laugh, you can’t help to laugh yourself because whatever is making them happy is making you happy as well. Love is powerful, especially when you’re able to love yourself. I’ve been learning, and working, and failing, and succeeding with that. You’d think that a person would have more take than give, but I think if you look closely, you’ll see that most people are actually the opposite (that was a Love Actually reference, in case you were wondering how to read that, imagine it in the voice of Hugh Grant). Learning is kind of doing both, giving the effort, and taking the lesson. And that’s what we’re all here to do anyway, especially me.

Peace and love,

Maddie