I’m a detail-oriented person. One thing I’ve always been really good at was remembering details. I remember when I was a kid, I would lie to my parents about stupid things like having two desserts, not getting in bed on time, who broke the lamp on the living room table, etc… and my lies were always so believable because I was able to come up with a story that was detailed and specific. It wasn’t just that, but I could remember the details of everything. Of course, now I go out of my way not to lie because it’s the moral thing to do. But what’s the harm in having two scoops of ice cream instead of one and lying about it? My parents never believed me just because they knew me better than I knew myself, but it’s always just been a little knack I’ve had.

When it comes to new relationships I have always considered myself an open book. I often overshare about my life to make someone more comfortable sharing with me; mutual insurance. I’ve made some of my closest and longest friends this way. One of my best friends throughout high school I met because we were assigned to walk on the track together during the second gym class of freshman year; I talked his ear off about my life, stories about my family and my old friends. Essentially, I trauma-dumped on him. It ended up working out, thankfully, but it hasn’t always. Plenty of people have thought I’m weird and strange, and they’re not completely wrong… but it’s not because I overshare, lol.

When I moved to school, I noticed that my whole life I’d been talking much more than I’d been listening. So, when I was getting settled and meeting and getting to know people, I would just listen. I got to know a friend whom I thought I was so unlikely to be friends with; she needed someone to listen one night, and I was there. We walked together for a long time, and I remember thinking how nice it was to listen, taking in all the details. I know where she’s from, her relationship with her parents, the dynamics of her high school, how she’s settling into college, all things that you’d normally blow right by in a conversation technically about boys and crushes. Because I listened, I know her better and continue to know her better.

So I started listening all the time. I listened to my professors, my classmates, my roommate, and most of all, my friends. I have everyone’s birthday on lock, likes and dislikes, foods they will and won’t eat, little joys, mannerisms, tells, all the things you’d miss if you weren’t listening. It really is incredible how much you learn by just listening and keeping your mouth shut. Like, thinking of birthday presents is going to be so easy now, among many other things as well.

Listening to the environment is just as important as listening to the people in it. It’s a nuance I’m still learning. It’s difficult, to say the least, I mean, it’s something you seldom consider. Just listening (or feeling, I guess would be a better word, but for the sake of cohesion, I’ll stick with listening) to the mood of a room can make the difference between a good night and a bad one. It’s different from reading the room, it’s about the details. Where is the energy coming from? Who is affected by it and why? Was there a shift? When? Why? How? All the questions are worth pondering if you have the time.

Unfortunately, old habits die hard. Recently, I had a little lapse in judgment and started talking before I gave myself the chance to listen. I found myself in a vulnerable and exposed position. I had forgotten what it’s like to be the sharer rather than the receiver. Then again later in the week, I let my emotions get in the way and started talking before I listened which ended up hurting someone very close to me. Both times that I chose to speak louder than the situation, I ended up regretting it. It’s still something I’m learning how to do, it’s not easy to just sit back and listen when you have something to say; but sometimes, it’s the best thing to do.

Furthermore, I’ve learned that listening can often give you information you don’t want to hear. It can confuse you and blur lines that were once so clear. I’ve come to realize that keeping your mouth shut is so disorienting because people don’t often do it. Sometimes the problem in communication is not that someone isn’t listening, but rather they’re listening for the wrong reason; listening to respond and listening to understand are very different. If you’re in an argument and you’re only listening to the other person for the sake of creating a rebuttal, you are not listening. If you’re listening to your conversation partner purely to think of the next thing you’re going to say, you’re not listening.

I catch myself every now and again listening to respond rather than listening to understand. I think that’s my biggest takeaway from all this listening business and keeping my mouth shut. One of these days I’m going to think before I talk and everyone’s going to be so shocked at the banger statement I make. But for now, I’m still learning.

Peace and love,

Maddie