My entire life I’ve used fear as motivation. And for most of my life, I thought the only reason I achieved anything was out of fear.

I thought the fear of getting bad grades would get me good grades.

I thought the fear of being fat could get me skinny.

I thought the fear of being alone would help me find someone.

I thought the fear of being mediocre could make me excellent.

I still use fear as motivation, but not in the same doom-impending way. I found that I could find peace by finding love in my work.

Still, I fear.

But not fear of striking out, fear of not playing.

Grades are grades. I don’t remember my seventh grade report card, but I remember it feeling like it was end-all-be-all at the time.

Bodies are bodies. All are different, and all are the same in all the best ways. Comparing and poking and criticizing your own body only makes the fear worse.

Mediocrity is still something I fear, but the best way to avoid mediocrity, I’ve devised, is to live decisively.

Not in a rigidly scheduled and inflexible way, but in a way that allows you to know what you want, have goals, and stick to them.

Fear is an evolutionary trait.

So really, fearing being alone is kind of oxymoronic; you only feel fear because we fear what all the generations before us feared.

I think I’ve been caught in the fear of being rejected recently.

One thing that is commonly known, but underestimated about fear is how hard it is to shake.

Rejection isn’t that big of a deal, especially not in the context that I’m speaking of it in, but that doesn’t make the pill easier to swallow.

In fact, it makes it more difficult because I know it’s not a big deal.

But for some reason, I can’t cut the emotional tie I have to being accepted, even if that’s what’s hurting me in the first place.

I wish I could wrap this up with a resolution, but I honestly don’t know.

This is a lesson I’ve been learning my whole life.

I’m trying to be decisive, but it’s hard because I don’t want to hear the answer I know I’m going to get.

Ignorance is bliss.

Peace and love (and a little bit of fear),

Maddie